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Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
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| Time: | 6:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | Creed, "My Sacrifice". |
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When you are with me
I'm free
I'm careless
I believe
I wish with all my heart that I could find someone that makes me think this way.
Me and Julie were talking today about commitment, and how afraid of it we were. We both can't be with a guy for a long period of time because we're so afraid of committing. It's sad, I know, but I'm glad I'm finally connecting with people. Julie, Meghan, Kat, everyone.
But, this damn song still makes me sad. It should make you happy though, shouldn't it? I mean, I don't think it's a song written during depression, but during happiness. So why can't I be happy when I'm exposed to happy things?
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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
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| Time: | 9:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | In Placebo, "Taste in Men". |
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Medical schools I'm considering:
Johns Hopkins
Boston University
University of Washington
Colleges I'm considering (I should be thinking of this first, shouldn't I?):
Columbia University
Boston University
University of Washington
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Sunday, September 30th, 2001
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| Time: | 7:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. | | Music: | Pearl Jam, Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town. |
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God, I hate high school. The homework, at least. I work so hard, but sometimes I wonder how much it really counts for anyway. I'm doing 50 million math problems which won't be glanced at. I'm taking note after note out of my World Cultures textbook when half of this won't be on the test. I'm trying to write a quality English essay which won't be understood and will be given a default B+. And I'll be up until 1:30 and get 4 hours of sleep, with no study hall tomorrow to lighten the load. Whoopdie-doo.
Obviously, I'm not in the greatest mood.
There's this really cute guy I met (he's always at my games, and me Allie and Jen have been talking to him for the past few weeks). But he's a little too young for me. Which really sucks. He looks like he's older than me, but he's two years younger. I can tell he has a little crush on me and Allie, but neither of us can act on it. :(
I've been having nightmares again. The really bad ones. Last night, I had a dream that my school and an all-boys school got merged together, so we were co-ed again. Somehow, I was involved in this and it was basically because of me that it happened. So, I'm at school and there's this guy who doesn't like the whole merging thing, and wants the school to be divided again. Something about not being able to talk about girls or something stupid (my dreams don't always make sense). So he confronts me about this and basically threatens my life or what have you. I get scared but don't show it (as usual) and I threaten to get a restraining order if he even thinks about coming near me again. He mocks me and says I can't do anything, because he hasn't touched me. Yet. Later, we're at some football game and we're all on the side of the field, near where the team comes out of the locker room. He comes up to me and attacks me. Then we're at school and I am telling people what he did. He comes up to me and acts sweetly, like he almost has a crush on me. He asks why I would say such things about him. I lose it and start screaming at him for everyone else to hear. Because you attacked me, that's why. Because you slammed my head into the concrete. The I'm at school, and I'm about to leave. It's dark. I walk to the window and I can see my mom's car outside, waiting. I go downstairs , but he's there with a bat. He attempts to attack me with it, and I run outside, only grabbing a few of my things I had set on a table. I know I've forgotten something, but I keep running anyway. All of a sudden people come and save me. A police officer, a few teachers, some friends, my mom. He's handcuffed, but I'm still afraid to walk past him to go retrieve the item I'd left behind. I get up the courage to do it, and as I walk by him he glares at me. I go inside and realize that it was only a pen I'd forgotten. The end.
Weird dream. It doesn't seem that scary but there were times when I was terrified. Let's see what happens tonight.
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Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
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| Time: | 7:36 pm. |
| Mood: | anxious. | | Music: | Hole, "Violet". |
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There's something I have to do. I can't wait. I told myself to wait a few months when it'll be a little more convenient. But I don't think convenience should be my top priority right now. The thing is, I don't want this thing defining me. I don't want people to think of this whenever they see me. And I don't want to interrupt school so early in the year, especially this year. I was going to wait until summer. But I'm not sure if it can wait.
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Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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| Time: | 7:41 pm. |
| Mood: | aggravated. | | Music: | Tori Amos, "Cornflake Girl". |
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Our first competition of the season was today. We got 3rd, which was amazing, considering we put together a whole routine in less than 4 practices. Everyone was so goddamn bitchy though. I hate being around a big group of girls for too long of a time (and I go to an all-girls school too...haha...). Everyone gets an attitude. But we still placed.
I tried out for choir the other day as a joke. I actually made it. I would reject it, but Ann Marie and Mallory are making come to at least a few rehearsals before quitting. Nasia's trying out Monday (SUCH a biter). I'm doing drama too, although all my friends think it's for losers. Fine, I'll be a goddamn drama geek. I don't need to be told how much it sucks every day.
I also don't need to be told how heartless I am by people who claim to know me but don't. I don't know what it is exactly that makes people think I'm so "heartless". But they certainly do think it. When I talk about being a doctor (which I rarely do as it is, since I never actually talk about myself), people say that I wouldn't be affected by the job at all. I could do it just fine, because I wouldn't care if a patient died. And everyone laughed because, after all, they knew it was true. Well ha fucking ha. What right do they have to make such a comment about me when they don't know anything about me? They don't know just how emotional I am. They don't know half of the shit I've been through to make me so emotional.
But hey, I didn't cry during Titanic, so I must be heartless, right? And I didn't cry when I left the school that I hated. So there's no way I could cry when someone dies, right?
After all, they know everything.
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Monday, September 17th, 2001
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I'm so lonely. Pathetic, I know, to be writing in here about it. But I am. Lonely, that is. Every logical and practical cell in my brain tells me that I can't get into a relationship right now. But I still have that stupid longing for something more. I struggle to keep this undying faith that someone is out there, waiting for me. But I always come back to thinking about that same person. And when I think about it, nothing compares. Absolutely nothing compares to him. Nothing can compare to the way I feel when we're in the same room, when he looks at me, when he speaks to me. But it's not meant to be. It would never last. Not right now. And that's assuming that he feels the way I do, which I know he doesn't. He knew how I felt. It was clear to everyone. But he never said anything to me. Not a word. And now it's too late anyway. So where does that leave me? Alone, listening to stupid love songs and wondering when he'll ever be out of my mind and my heart.
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Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
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This morning the terrorists attacked. But you know that. If you live in America you do. If you live on Earth. We started watching news coverage around 9:00 in Spanish. We saw each tower collapse. It looked like something out of a movie. You know that movie Volcano? How the ash fell like snow? That's how it is in New York today. It looked like a snowstorm. It also kind of reminded me of Independance Day or something, the way the buildings exploded (which they replayed countless times this morning, and probably still are).
Jenny was bawling, thinking about her father since he works at the World Trade Center (amazingly, he called in sick today). She was thinking about her friend in Greenwich Village too. I took her into the bathroom so she could calm down, but as soon as we got into the hallway she burst into tears. She hugged me so tight and I actually started crying. I should have been crying already, considering my dad works only a few blocks away from the Pentagon. But for some reason, I went numb. I still am. I've tried calling his office, his cell phone, his house. No answer at all. I have no idea where he is, or if he's alive. But I'm hoping for the best.
I wasn't really too worried about my own safety until the news anchor said that anyone in the Baltimore-Washington area should stay in their homes. I heard a plane go by earlier and I nearly flipped out.
God, I had a bad feeling today when I woke up too. I figured it was because of my World Cultures test. Ha. Well, to be perfectly honest, I'd rather fail a test than of have tens of thousands of people die. Especially if one of those people is my father.
It makes me sick to my stomach. Especially how some people are all excited. To them, it's "history in the making" and nothing more. Well, it is more. For me at least.
***I just looked at the little icon for my mood. Why the hell is "shocked" a smiley face? I'm not fucking happy. There should be a happy shocked and a sad shocked. This is a SAD shocked. Just making that known.***
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Tuesday, September 4th, 2001
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Someone once told me I was incapable of loving anyone. I don't know if they said it out of anger, or spite, or just as a stupid joke that was meant to be funny but turned out completely wrong. In any case, I'm beginning to think it might be true...
What ever made me think of that? I don't know.
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Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
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I hate my friends. If you can even call them friends. I can't stand the fact that they claim to be my friends, but then ditch me when a better oppurtunity comes up. And that oppurtunity usually involves guys. And then they rub it in my face if I can't ditch my prior commitment to go with them. They tell me how much fun they're gonna have. It'll be more fun without you anyway, they joke. But something about the way they say it lets everyone know just how much of a joke it really is.
I'm sick of being so hurt. I'm sick of letting them get to me. I'm sick of being so upset about it to the point where I have to write about it in here to make me feel a little bit better. I'm sick of having bullshit friends.
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Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
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| Subject: | Rant |
| Time: | 2:21 pm. |
| Mood: | frustrated. | | Music: | Verve, "Bittersweet Symphony". |
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I go back to school tomorrow. Just an orientation, though. At the beginning of summer I was really eager to go to school. Summer's too boring for me. Now I kinda wnat it to go on longer. But I know I'll be a lot less lazy when school starts. I have cheerleading tryouts on the 8th and 9th. I'm not really sure if I even want to do cheerleading this year. Maybe I'm just having doubts. I'm still gonna try out and everything, but I don't think I'll be heartbroken if I don't make it. I've still got until November with Overlea anyway.
I also really want to take more dance classes this year. If I am on the squad this year, I won't have ANY time for dance. So, if I don't make cheerleading, I'll probably take a few extra dance classes. Maybe even join Senior Company. The only problem is my mom. She's so paranoid. She thinks I'm not gonna be able to handle anything. She thinks I'm incapable of handling school and school activities and dance. I'm not even doing a lot of school activities this year anyway. The only ones I'd realy like to do are dance company and drama. My mom thinks that I should just join my school's dance company and not take my technique classes at the studio. That's just not gonna happen. My school doesn't even compete, and we only meet one day a week. And I can't go completely without technique classes for jazz and ballet and especially pointe. I already agreed to slow it down and not take jazz or ballet until November, when cheerleading for Overlea ends. So what else does she expect me to do? She was the one who's always pushed my dancing to begin with. Now she's discouraging it.
UGH!
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Friday, August 17th, 2001
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I took this personality disorder test online. It was not very comforting.
Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
Woo. Hoo.
Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
So, apparently, I'm a self-centered, manipulative perfectionist.
I feel deeply sorry for my friends and family right now.
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| Subject: | :) |
| Time: | 6:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | Blink 182, "Everytime I Look For You". |
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I have made a decision. I am going to base all (or at least a great deal) of my decisions on whether or not I would be happy. Maybe this seems simple and obvious to you. But I guess it never really occurred to me before. I always complained (to myself) about how unhappy I was, blah blah blah, etc etc and so on. But I never actually did anything about it. So now I?ve decided to do something. I?m going to do things that would make me happy, not someone else. I?ve always tried to please everyone else. Now I think it?s my turn. Maybe that?s a little selfish. But right now I don?t care as much as I used to. Besides, if I?m happier it may make being around me a little easier.
And in thinking about the general topic of happiness, I was thinking about this guy I?ve liked for a little while. I?ve been thinking about him lately and I guess I?ve wanted to go out with him for some time now, even though I never really admitted it. But when I really thought about it, going out with him wouldn?t make me happy. Being around him doesn?t make me happy. Whenever we?re together I just feel angry or hurt or jealous or any other negative emotion (although I must admit that most of the time it?s anger). He doesn?t make me feel good. And I guess I always ignored that fact because I was so swept up in him. I never really thought about me. Anyway, once I thought about all of this, I forgot why I liked him so much. Those feelings that had been there were just gone. Isn?t that weird, how quick it can happen? But I?m glad. I actually am a lot happier when I?m not worrying about him and ?us?. There really never was an ?us? anyway.
I feel happier already. Ugh, I think I?m downright jolly. Let?s see how long this lasts.
(Wow. I can always manage to slip in that bit of pessimism no matter how chipper I may be. Go figure.)
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Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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| Subject: | Oops |
| Time: | 12:37 am. |
| Mood: |  weird. | | Music: | randow Jewel songs. |
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It was a BB gun, not a rock. My mistake.
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Monday, August 13th, 2001
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| Subject: | Bad Day |
| Time: | 11:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  gloomy. | | Music: | Pete Yorn, "Just Another". |
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I am bored. Much too bored for my own good. I have absolutely nothing to do except write in this.
So, what?s new with me you ask? I bet you didn?t even ask. Oh well. I?ll tell you anyway. My car window collapsed on me today. Due to the fact that it got hit by some sort of unidentified flying object. At first I thought it was a bullet, but there wasn?t a bullet hole, and I didn?t die or anything, so I guess it was a rock or something. Isn?t that great? I?m getting rocks thrown at me now. I didn't even want to go out anyway. I?m sick (I got my mom?s cold). All I wanted to do today was get in my bed and listen to some nice depressing music. But no, I had to go out and get rocks thrown at my car. So, as you can see, I haven?t had a great day. Lucy died on ER too. I new it was coming, but still.
But it did rain today. That kinda brightened my day up.
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Saturday, August 11th, 2001
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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I was just reading my last entry. Damn. Could I sound more pathetic? I do not need a boyfriend. I?d like one (a LOT) but I hate sounding like one of those stupid girls who always need a boyfriend. I mean, yeah I keep thinking about guys a lot and all but I don?t want to be ?desperate?. Therefore, I?m going to talk about something else.
Cheerleading started today. I thought we were only gonna have like 5 people, but it looks like we have a good size squad. The coach is totally useless though. She just sat in a chair while all of us who?ve cheered for Overlea before taught some cheers. Woo. Hoo. I?d like to build or do something a little bit more worthwhile. Oh well, there?s always tomorrow (do I sound like Annie?).
I started pointe last weekend too. It?s harder and easier than I though. It doesn?t really hurt as much as I thought it would (yet at least). But it?s hard to actually get all the way up and know that you?re up there. This probably makes no sense to you anyway but whatever. I just found out that cheerleading is gonna be on Tuesdays and Thursdays, meaning no jazz or ballet class. At least not in the fall. And I?d really like to join one of the companies but I know my mom would never let me. She thinks I?m not gonna be able to handle all the stuff I have to do now, so I know she won?t let me take on two more days of dance a week. Honestly, I think I can handle it, but whatever.
I only have about a month until school starts. I actually want to go back to school. Weird. I?m just looking forward to getting a fresh start again. I like change. Going to a whole new school, a whole new type of school, is exactly the kind of change I need. Especially after the hell of a time (and I mean that literally) I had at dear old St. Clement?s (ugh). I cannot even express how happy I am to get out of that place, away from all those people. If I really think about it (which of course I have), there?s really only four people I?ll miss going to school with. Of course, there?s Jen. And I?ll prolly miss Allie too. And Katie (in math, lol). I?m going to school with Nasia so I won?t really miss her (duh). But there?s this other person (I?m sure a few people know who this is) that I know I?ll miss a lot. It?s gonna suck in the beginning when I fully realize that I?m not gonna see these guys everyday.
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Boys. Boys have been on my mind a lot lately. In every possible way. And not even one boy in particular. Many different boys. And it all leads up to one inevitable fact: I am desperate. I am desperate for a boyfriend. Or even a boy friend. Some sort of contact with the opposite sex that doesn?t just involve chatting online.
But anyway, I?m totally obsessed. I?ve been watching ER lately, and now every night I have dreams about Noah Wyle. I don?t know why, but he just appears there! Every night! That?s a little creepy (but I have developed this crush on Noah Wyle for some reason?). And I?ve found myself flirting with guys that I don?t really like (or know that well), but I just want them to like me. It?s stupid but I can?t help it. I have Lori(from The Real World)-itis. I?m kinda acting like her (in the sense that I just want guys to want me even if I don?t necessarily want them) and I don?t particularly like it. It's not like I really want to be using people or anything but I don't really think of it that way? Does that make me a bitch? Probably.
That Noah Wyle thing is kinda weird?
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I told Allie who I wrote the letter too. It was late at night and I was tired and it kinda just came out? But whatever. I haven?t talked to Katie in a few days either, so I wonder what she thinks. It feels a little better to know that someone else knows. At least I got it out. Besides, as Allie and Katie so often said, it?s all in the past.
Jen?s been at camp this whole week. Sooooo much stuff has happened and I?ve needed to talk to her. I can?t wait till she finally gets back so I can tell her about everything. Katie D.?s trying to ?hook me up? with this friend she has who?s going to CHC. I?ve talked to him a little online. He seems pretty cool. We have the same taste in music. He got me listening to this band that I had never heard of. They?re pretty good. Katie keeps asking me if I like him and if I?d wanna hook up with him and all that, but the fact is that I don?t know him. I mean, I?m considering it but I?d really have to meet him first and see if we have anything in common. And I can?t really say a lot when I?m talking in IMs to Katie or Nasia about him because of the program on my computer my parents think I don?t know about that records everything I type. It?s hard to actually talk to my friends about stuff because I know my mom will read it.
I just need Jen to come back so I can tell her about it and see what she thinks. I?m not sure when she?s coming back exactly, so I may have to be forced to call Brock and see if he knows. But I don?t think I?m that desperate.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
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I saw this guy the other day. He?s the guy I?ve had this huge crush on for like years. But now, since we don?t go to the same school anymore and we probably won?t see each other again, I naturally decided to just get over it. So, this whole summer I?ve been trying to get over it. And I basically was. Well, not completely, but it wasn?t as bad as it used to be. And then I saw him. Maybe it wouldn?t have been so bad if he didn?t look so cute? Or if he didn?t smile at me like he did? But it doesn?t matter, because now I?m right back at square one. And what?s making me really depressed is the fact that I got really happy when I saw him, and I know that I probably won?t see him again for a long time. If I see him at all. So, I?m feeling kinda sad right now? I?ve been racking my brain over all the ways I could possibly ?run into him?. How pathetic am I? Very. I?m also getting kinda tired? Goodnight.
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A while ago I wrote a letter. A very Can?t Hardly Wait-esque letter to someone that I like. Or liked. I don?t really know if I still like him right now, but that?s beside the point. Anyway, I was going to give it to him, but then when I got the chance I just didn?t. And then when I got another chance it was too late. And then I kinda lost the letter. So by now I had pretty much forgotten about it.
So yesterday, I was talking to Allie and she mentioned how she wrote a letter to someone she liked about how she felt. So, I CASUALLY mentioned that I had written one of those too. And then she asked me who mine was to (I should have seen it coming). But of course I didn?t tell her. I haven?t ever even talked about it out loud before, and I wasn?t about to go and embarrass myself even more by admitting that I actually liked this person. Then Katie called me after I got off-line and asked me who the letter was to. And I didn?t tell her either. But they?ve got it narrowed down to two people. I think Allie knows which one it is, but I?m not sure. Katie might too, but the way she was talking I don?t think she does. And if either one of them is reading this, I?m not telling you! You?ve got it down to two people, and if you can?t figure it out by yourself, then I?m sorry.
I?ve been watching Empire Records a lot lately (it?s been on Encore or some movie channel like that). Lucas always says, ?Damn the man!? Right now, I say damn the letter.
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cherrycoke603's journal
contemplative.
blah.